GUITAR

             I have this vivid memory of walking into my grandmother's bedroom when I was about seven or eight years of age and finding her  singing and playing a guitar. I remember being completely mesmerized , hypnotized and breathless. I can not remember what she was singing nor could i remember the tune  coming from the instrument. I do know though that this was when my love affair with the guitar started.
             Every time I see someone playing the guitar , I find myself completely engrossed, be filled with wonder and amazement watching the fingers of the player deftly pluck the strings and create music that to me could only be described as soft sweetness ( in the old country, the people seemed to play ballads more so than any type of genre of music) .
             I never really got the courage to pick up a guitar till i was about twelve years of age.  Though our household played music on the radio all day and I believe highly musical , neither  of my parents knew how to play any sort of instrument.
             I really did not have anyone nor the funds to get someone to  teach me but still I have decided to teach myself. I remember sitting there not knowing where to start and go through books for begginners. After a week or two of frustrations and feelings of failure and fingers hurting , finally gave up and accepted the fact that perhaps I really am not meant to create such beauty.
            Through my teens up to now I still find myself gravitating to anyone who can play and still sometimes get this dull ache in my heart of knowing that I once tried and failed . I suppose we as a family were too busy surviving that time and coin for such FRIVOLOUS things such as learning anything creative were never considered.
            Not one of my three other siblings got the opportunity to pursue any of the creative fields ,personally or within their careers. My sisters now have children of their own and i heard one of my beautiful nieces the other day being guided by her father patiently showing her how to play the piano.
            I sat there and watched her play little ditties and praised her for every completed note and her enthusiasm for learning . Our children already are getting better experiences than we have.  Our little ones are being presented all the opportunities such as learning pursuits that we considered as FRIVOLOUS.
           What would life be like  without a little frivolity ? It's kind of sad is it not to think that if we had a little more time , a little more money , a little less focus on the academic side of our childhood , our chores and of our religion that we could probably have developed the skills we require to perhaps play an instrument or pick up an easel and brush ?
           Frivolous? Yes. Very. But the angst of knowing and failing, AND even worst of all.... at a very young age  THE acceptance in my part which led me to believe that I do not possess a creative bone in my body.  How much damaged do you reckon that false belief and paradigm has influenced what I / WE are now?
            No . I am not blaming my upbringing. Our household had a lot of love and nothing could be better than that. It's just that with our limited young minds sensed and understood that our wants and needs is only second to what is good for the collective benefits of our family.
             I am now thirty nine years of age. I asked myself today what have I really done for myself or learned something purely because I wanted do ? I know that I have achieved quite a bit in those thirty nine years but when was the last time have I really learned something just for the pleasure of learning and the knowing that it's application is of no importance but to myself only?
             A couple of years ago, I  made a promise to myself that I will learn just ONE thing every year.  Guess what ? I picked up the guitar again....
A few times in the last five months , I caught myself saying to myself that I have been wasting precious time strumming because God knows that the guitar IS always in my arms and any little precious free time that I have is spent with it ( I could be out there networking and creating more business or maybe even just cleaning the house ) but I actually shrugged that off and stopped feeling GUILTY.  So can I play the bloody thing yet? Ask me to play for you next time we see each other......

LOSS

The type of clientell that my restaurant attracts seems to be mainly the older affluent generation. I do quite enjoy them for they usually are very savvy with their food and wine knowledge. I also find them pleasurable to speak to for they always have a golden advice or two for me and my business.
A particular gentleman guest of mine after his lunch today with his daughter insisted in getting up to pay at the cash register as to deter his daughter from paying. He thanked me for my service and promised that he would come back again as soon as he gets the chance to. I thanked him profusely and the swiped his credit card through my eftpos machine .
For a reason or another his card came up as declined . I was embarassed that this occured and i offered to re swipe his card again explaining that sometimes my machine needs to log on first to the bank and i'm sure that my facilities is probably at fault.
He then said to me" No, actually i have been having problems with my acounts lately. My wife died about three weeks ago and i cancelled her accounts but the banks seem to have cancelled mine as well."
I suppose i don't really get that much frankness from guests that i did not know how to react nor what to say. I said" I"m sorry sir. Are you ok?" He then said"Yes i am.Thank you". I saw that his eyes has gone all teary and i found myself hurting with him.
"How long were you married for?" i asked."Since the 1950's "says he. " You know what i miss the most is the fights that we use to have." He then gave me that embarassed laugh that boys give each other when we show any form of vulnerability.
At this point his credit card finally came through and his transaction has been approved much to my relief. Again i thanked him, refused his tip and then tried to buy him a drink but he refused as well.
I kept thinking about that the whole day. The fights is what he misses the most. I think about my wife and i and some of those fights that we have are really epic. I don't know whether i will miss the fights but i sure can not fathom an existence with out my wife.
Sir, I wish i had more comforting words for you. I wish i had a word or two to ease your pain , I wish we met at better times but most of all i wish i said that i wish you well.